At iAlign, we are a strengths-based organization that derives our approach to people development, both internally with our own team and externally with our clients, from positive psychology. This means our focus is on recognizing contributions of our people, cultivating potential, and supporting professional growth. We study what is good and what is great so we can replicate it. We stay forward-focused so we don’t get stuck in unhelpful patterns.
However, that does not mean it is all high fives, celebrations, and constant positivity. Sometimes we miss the mark or need to realign our actions with our intentions. We have to give and receive feedback to move forward in our journey of growth.
Providing feedback is challenging, especially when it involves addressing mistakes, failures, or weaknesses. However, it does not have to be excruciating for you or damaging to your employee. It does have to be done with tact and precision to lead to change.
1. Be Clear. Too often we think that dodging the hard stuff, hinting at mistakes, or shying away from direct feedback softens the blow, but it doesn’t – not for the person on the receiving end anyway.
I have certainly made the mistake of thinking that quiet, vague feedback was more palatable and that it allowed me to protect the other persons feelings. But when I really reflected on that approach and the outcomes from it, I realized I wasn’t actually protecting them for hurt so much as I was protecting myself from discomfort.
In reality, giving unclear feedback created frustration, confusion, and distrust. Directness and compassion do not have to be enemies.
I think Dr. Brené Brown (researcher, speaker, author of Dare to Lead) says it best when she states, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
2. Lead with empathy. Empathy is not “sugar coating” or “compliment sandwiches.” Empathy is recognizing and honoring the complexities of showing up as your best self at work and the discomfort in having gaps in your self-knowledge pointed out. I was previously a therapist (yep, the take a seat & let’s talk about the hard stuff variety), and one of the universal truths I witnessed time and time again was this:
Showing care and concern for someone’s struggles is not the same as lacking accountability. People want to know their employers care about them as a person, it is a big part of employee engagement.
So, lead with empathy, follow with action.
For example, to acknowledge their struggle you might say, “I hear you. You have been under a lot of pressure to meet aggressive deadlines and that can really take a toll on your health, inside and outside of work. I appreciate the resilience through that you have demonstrated. I want to talk about the pain points you are experiencing as well as what I have been noticing the past few weeks in regards to your performance. I think we can work together to improve your experience and achieve the outcomes I am looking for.”
3. Consider your headspace. Because most leaders delay delivering negative feedback until it is absolutely unavoidable, they may be coming into the feedback session very frustrated as the behavior has now reached a level that is causing serious issues. That is not going to work. It will be important to take some time to chill out and reflect on what the goal of the upcoming interaction is for you.
You may really need to vent, or you may need to be deeply heard yourself – that’s fair. However, that is something you need to find an appropriate space for – during a performance feedback session with your employees just isn’t it.
4. Keep it Development Driven. Your employees are not interested in a laundry list of past mistakes they cannot change or charting every mistake that has been made. They are interested in feedback that is actionable, relevant and connected to how they approach situations in the future – this is what effective performance management & people development is made of. Don’t make it punitive; make it development-driving.
5. Focus on behavior. Giving feedback on personality is unlikely to result in sustained change and is more likely to leave your employee feeling disengaged. Focus on actionable, observed behaviors.
Consider using a structure like this to give behavior based feedback: “When you ______, I notice _______ . That is problematic because _______.”
For example, “When you interrupt coworkers during our meetings, I notice that people are less willing to share their ideas in future meetings. That is problematic because we need a wide array of perspectives on this project to be successful.”
6. Don’t wait. Evading delivering feedback makes it more uncomfortable and less relevant for everyone. Proactive, frequent feedback on the other hand prevents small, problematic habits from turning into big, destructive decisions. It also provides opportunities to step into a role more like a coach than a boss (read more on this here), to best support your employees growth.
7. Make it a conversation, not a lecture. Ask questions to better understand the situation. Offer the opportunity for your employee to discuss their process and considerations for how they approached the situation. Invite feedback in return. Follow up after the initial feedback session to check in. Feedback should be iterative, not episodic.
Becoming an expert at giving feedback is a career-long journey. What elements of giving feedback do you struggle with? What advice have you received that has made a big difference for you?
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